I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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