That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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