Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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