i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
