there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize