good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
