either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
