The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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