I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
