listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
