If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
