We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
