Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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