Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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