so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
