i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize