I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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