Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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