this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
