Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
