Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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