he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
