i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize