Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
