I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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