He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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