hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
