She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
