Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
