I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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