sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
