i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
the liver wants what the liver wants
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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