it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
