I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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