I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
