You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
