I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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