considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Randomize
