Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
