I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
