i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
