and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
