Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
