yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
