Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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