if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
