OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
