New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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