It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
