They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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