I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
