nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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