I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
