First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
