I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
