there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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