Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I intend to get homeless drunk
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
